Let Bygones Be Bygones

Letting Go (of Former Feelings)

How dare you speak of "trust" and "harm" after leaving me like that? Peace is "what we needed?" Which "lessons" were "learned?"

What about our proposed trips? Hitting the open road? Exploring the wilderness? Living in Colorado?

You wrote me a letter. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Goodbyes still suck.

I didn't get kicked out of a romantic relationship. I got forcibly removed from the friend zone.

You told me you deeply valued me, but you tossed me aside like a heap of garbage.

Did you really write that poem for me? Or did you do it to achieve your own closure?

You said you would never leave me the way the others have. I guess that was a lie, huh?

Even though you left me broken and I'm not sure you deserve it, I will forgive you anyway (even if you never return).

How can you turn your back to all the pain I am feeling? Do you feel remorse?

As the tree was finally blossoming in the spring, you ripped its flowers from the soil.

You emphasized that we would remain friends. Then you suddenly and decisively quit on me. So what do your words really mean to you?

Sometimes I don't even recognize you; it's like you're a performer at the local circus. Where is your backbone? When encountering the slightest bit of discomfort, you resort to surrender and withdrawal (at the expense of others).

You expected responses/reassurances from me when you're personally hurt. But when I'm now in my most vulnerable mental state, you don't say a word. Does that make you either cowardly or selfish?

I still periodically envision messages from you appearing in my notification center. It's just a hallucination created by my mind though.

Pride won't allow me to shed physical tears, but sorrow will allow the release of emotional tears.

I launched Tinder (for the first time in months) and YouTube Shorts. I mindlessly scrolled to pass the time. But I was constantly distracted. Without you there is a hole in my heart, a space in my life.

To whom will I send funny and adorable images/videos/memes now?

If trouble had a face, would it resemble hers?

Alternative solutions can be equally (or more) effective, right? Are you sure this is the only way?

After months of creating magnificent memories, you're willing to let it all go to waste?

From who do you want protection: me or yourself? Because I can contain myself. I don't think this is fair.

Does a forced goodbye and permanent separation really provide any more closure than a block does?

You say you don't want to use me. But I'd rather be used like a tool than discarded like trash.

I am struggling to concentrate; everything has become a distraction. My best friend abandoned me, without hesitation.

I am inclined to love fast and to love hard. And it can be difficult for me to pump the brakes. So please, grant me a smidgen of leniency.

I should have known better than to undertake such a risk. I ultimately and inevitably get hurt somehow. "All good things must come to an end," right?

You're highlighting the bad aspects. At the same time, you're neglecting so much good. And, with the benefit of hindsight, you're labeling good experiences as bad ones. When you were in the moment, you held vastly different opinions.

You say you're leaving because you don't want to use me in our friendship. Well, now that you're gone, I feel like I have been used (and dumped).

Now you insist that we were "just friends" the whole time. If that's true, then why end our friendship?

This streak ends today (3/31/2024). This friendship ends today. I did not want this. I am sad. That is all. Thank you.

You refused to look me in the eyes (or even show your face) when you said goodbye.

That's it? It's all over instantly, at the drop of a hat? How can you move on so effortlessly? Was any of it ever real? Did our friendship mean anything to you? Are you going to pretend some feelings weren't mutual? It was in vain, for nothing?

I was never even given a chance to prove my ability/worth as a friend. I've at least earned that, no? Is this because you think I can't control myself or because you know you can't control yourself? I thought you trusted me.

How do you reconcile the distinct differences between your words and your actions? The image you project doesn't align with the manifestation of your behavior.

Was this a decision you made entirely independent of external influences? Or was your choice motivated by ideas implanted in your mind? Because everything just changed overnight.

Does your toxic relationship with him deter you from saying what you're really thinking/feeling? Does he exercise a powerful stranglehold on your freedom of speech/expression?

I believed the truth would set me free. But maybe I'm just being selfish and should stop subtly expressing my feelings to you. Since you have a partner, I should have more carefully considered how/why this makes things tough for you. If I'm making you uncomfortable, I sincerely apologize.

I turned off "silent mode" for you. I turned off "do not disturb" for you. I turned on "read receipts" for you. I used Snapchat (achieving a 106-day streak) and FaceTime for you. I even took note of Pacific Standard Time (just as much as EST) for you. I did it all, for you.

I went to sleep with a smile, because of you.

I like to see the good in people. So I relaxed my guard. I removed my shield. Then you stabbed me in the chest with a knife.

Both of us are complicit in this precarious relationship.

You convinced me to tell you the truth, to say what's on my mind. And now you're electing to hold that revelation against me?

The last time I ever saw your face you said "can I call you back?" You never did. Right before you ended the call, I asked "are you going to cut me off now?" You replied, "no." The next day that was exactly what you did. My trust had been depleted and my heart sank to the ground.

No, you didn't block me. You stated that you will never contact me and instructed me to never contact you. I don't see what makes that much (if any) better than a block.

So you're just content to forget about me and pretend none of this ever happened? And you expect me to do the same? What about the void in my heart?

Remember that it's never too late to change your mind. In what capacity? Honestly, I don't know. But I'll always be here, for you.

Your final message to me reads: "Stephen, I want to start by saying I truly value you as a person and the friendship we've shared. However, I've realized that to honor and respect my relationship with my boyfriend, we need to redefine our friendship boundaries. This isn't easy for me, and I hope we can part on good terms, with mutual respect and understanding. Your friendship means a lot, and I'm grateful for the time we've spent together, but I think you know just as much as I do that this friendship isn’t healthy."

You hurt me. You rejected my offer of friendship. You did not provide an ultimatum or a choice. You left me alone. You ordered me to never contact you. And when I asked what you would want me to do if you ever reached out to me again, you said that you seriously doubted that would happen. So I don't know what you want me to say now.

You're telling me that you "didn't mean to hurt me" or produce any pain. But that can't really be true, can it? I told you that a clean break would do just that. And you made the conscious and deliberate decision to do it anyway. You were aware of what you were doing. I made my stance clear. I left no room for confusion. Calling my sorrow a "valid feeling" comes across as silly. I know it's valid. Frankly, I don't need your validation in this situation. It's obvious you caused harm.

You encouraged, initiated, and reciprocated a lot of playful flirtation. However, you depict me as the sole culprit in our relationship.

I told you my door is always open, but you're only peeking through the gap between the door and the frame. Why aren't you crossing the threshold and re-entering the room? I don't know what kind of response you're expecting, but your behavior seems selfish.

Although I have developed incredible impulse control, the wounds you left behind are still fresh. So it frustrates me that you're emitting nothing but radio silence (before I've even had sufficient time to heal from those wounds). Do you take human feelings into consideration, other than your own? Are you tormented by guilt? Surely you aren't that heartless.

You expressed a desire to be friends with me again. And I said okay. Of course I did. I love you (as a person and as a companion). But it doesn't look like you care. Do you care? I'm thoroughly searching and I'm not finding any effort from you to be a friend to me. Nevertheless, you still expect me to always be available for you when you please? Are you oblivious to your habits? Is this lopsided arrangement acceptable to you? Real friends don't do that.

You conveyed an interest in reviving our friendship. But you don't reallllllly want to be friends with me, right? You merely want to selfishly reap every benefit of friendship, without embracing any of the sacrifices it entails.

I don't know if you're just expecting everything to instantly return to the way it used to be (before you did what you did), but that's the impression I'm getting. And I can't do that. My opinion of you has changed, permanently...

You assured me that you would explain yourself when you arrived back in Nevada. That hasn't yet happened. I think you're probably stalling. And I'm not interested in continuing to make small talk until we've had that long-awaited conversation. It's not fair to me.

I admit that I said "yes" when you suddenly asked me "can we be friends again?" But I also included a caveat. I said that I expect a more elaborate explanation from you. I can't comfortably move forward with this relationship without taking part in that discussion.

To be frank, I've been hurt. Therefore, it's unrealistic for me to naturally jump back into this like nothing ever happened. I hope you wouldn't expect things to immediately return to the way they were. I wish it was that simple. But it's not that simple, or that easy. My trust has been breached. And things may never be the same. With that said, I'm willing to partake in a deeper discussion. In fact, I'd prefer to have one with you. And, as one would likely expect, this friendship won't feel complete unless we do so.

I'm beyond grateful to hear from you again, and I'm so glad you want to be friends. But if you want me to act/feel remotely like I did before, then I need to hear more from you. We can't simply pick up from where we left things a month ago and ignore the reality/gravity of the situation. It's neither reasonable nor healthy. I hope you read this and understand/respect my perspective. And if you think I'm just being dramatic, that's fine. I'm being honest with you about what I've been thinking and feeling. And I'm sharing this with you so you grasp why I've appeared detached and distracted.

I'm still waiting for what you promised me (an explanation). Are you going to deliver?

Are you exceptionally inconsiderate, selfish, and untrustworthy? Because you're making no effort to be honest while making every effort to lie by disguising excuses as legitimate justifications. I've gradually (and completely) lost interest (and faith) in you. I suppose you merely never got around to it, huh?

Let's briefly recap the recent history of events. On March 31st you told me you never wanted us to talk with one another again. On April 15th you told me that you changed your mind. Although I was reluctant and still heartbroken/confused, I accepted your petition for friendship. On April 17th I sent an honest, detailed message about how I've been feeling very sad. You waited eight days to reply. On May 7th I sent another message much like the last one. But this time it was about why I've been feeling uncomfortable and why I'm still seeking answers to unresolved questions. You procrastinated for nine days before responding to that one. And you took even longer to say you're prepared to talk and finally explain the decision you made over a month ago. My only question for you is why.

I'm at a loss for words. It feels like I'm being played. But friendship isn't a game to play. It's real, and so are feelings. And right now I feel like you hardly have any regard for my feelings. It's as though you expect me to be present when it's convenient for you and to wait indefinitely when you disappear. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm complaining; that is not my intention. Still, the way you're treating me isn't the way I would treat a friend or the way I think friends generally treat each other.

Although I don't believe you owe me anything, I do believe friendships are akin to two-way streets. But if passion is not equal and balance is not perfect, I will live with that. What I won't support is being the only person making an effort.

I made myself available when you wanted someone to be present and listen. But you aren't the only one with a stressful life; sometimes I feel like you forget that. I've been managing a lot lately, unrelated to what you did, and you were the only friend I had.

I've handed you every opportunity to redeem yourself, but you've fallen short each time. I fully reject whatever excuse you've concocted this time. I just don't care anymore. I'm over it. I'm over this. I'm over you. I'd argue you had a great friend, and you single-handedly lost that friend. There is no one else to blame except you. I refuse to wait any longer to play these games with you; I've been extra patient. I'm sure you can find someone else willing to tolerate your self-centered approach and endless antics.

First it's this. Then it's that. Regardless of the circumstances, you always have an excuse. Friends don't continually make excuses to justify their absence. And they certainly don't use their own method of prioritization as an excuse for negligence. If you were actually my friend, you wouldn't feel compelled to turn every one of life's events or misfortunes into a new opportunity to invent an excuse. I don't do that, and neither should you.

Why do you seemingly only think of yourself and constantly highlight your problems, ignoring those of everyone around you? Need I remind you that the universe indeed does not revolve around you? You behave as if you are the only one in our "friendship" who is preoccupied or who is suffering. And you use that as an excuse to act negligent, selfish, unavailable, and unprepared.

I neither asked you to do that, nor did I expect you to do so. I respect and support your prioritization of family over me. And your misrepresentation of my argument is considered a straw man fallacy. My point is that you can prioritize your family, put my concerns on the back burner, and still make an attempt to call me once over such a long period of time.

Unfortunately you just don't get it, and I'm not sure you ever will. You had over two and a half months to call one time. How much more time do you need? During the course of those 2.5 months you also made time to send me text messages, Snapchats, and YouTube comments. Yet you keep trying to excuse your actions. I'm not interested in continuing this conversation with you. And I absolutely will not argue with you. After everything that's transpired, that's the last thing I wish to do.

Even if I concede that you are correct in labeling those excuses as "facts," your statements have no relevant impact on my argument.

You say "I'm not making excuses," as you proceed to list a multitude of them. And every sentence of yours starts with "I." What about me? Have you even tried to consider a perspective other than yours? Do you know what I've been experiencing? No, you don't. Because you haven't been a good friend and you haven't bothered to ask me.

As long as you remain close-minded, you will always fail to understand. Right now your lens is limited; you only see a tiny portion of the whole picture. That's why our viewpoints differ so drastically. Your restricted worldview inhibits our capacity to engage in a logical and productive argument. You only take your half into account, but there are two sides to every story. Have you determined that you're the only person who matters and has difficulties? Instead of embracing the mentality of a victim, I advise looking outward with a sense of altruism. What you find might surprise you.

You reiterate that you were too busy, even though you had plenty of time. And each time I initiated the conversation, you answered almost immediately. Moreover, if I entertained the trivial chats and ignored the glaring elephant in the room, you communicated constantly. However, as soon as I introduced the hard-hitting questions and comments, they fell on deaf ears and you quickly became silent. You aren't just lying to me; you're also lying to yourself. You haven't been "too busy." You've just been allergic to accountability and afraid of getting involved in delicate dialogue. As a result, you avoid dealing with the uncomfortable truths and stay inside your self-conceived safe space.

You swear that you're "sorry." Then why does your whole attitude/tone shift the minute I finally decide to expose your lies and stand my ground? If being "friends" with you merely means being a pushover, that's not real friendship.

I apologize in advance for my use of coarse language, but it sounds like you're full of shit. You aren't a victim; so why are you acting like one? You're desperately/constantly trying to include appeals to pity/emotion and red herrings in your arguments. And all the while, you're disregarding the truth of your transgressions. I've concluded that subtle manipulation may be your specialty.