A Horrifyingly Honest Journal Entry

September 8th, 2019

I just finished taking a hot shower after watching multiple movies on-demand today. I sit in our chair in the living room on a warm Sunday night in Atlanta, looking out the window once realizing I failed to step foot outside the house yet again. Did I enjoy the movies I watched? Of course I did. They provided me with what I’ve been using to my advantage for a couple years now: instant gratification and a temporary release and escape from the harsh truths of reality. Those truths include the fact that I turned 22 only a few months ago in July of 2019, and as each day passes I only feel more like a miserable failure wasting one’s years away. On top of that, at 22, I am out of a job, or at least a job worthy of any respect in our modern-day society. It has been over two days since I’ve last streamed and played the video game Fortnite, and on my last stream a man donated $200 to me (the largest sum of money ever given to me by one person from my streaming community, by a landslide). And despite that, I still haven’t felt compelled to play the game and stream to my viewers. While I am addicted to it, I also feel relieved taking a break again. My only fear is taking a prolonged break, getting out of practice, and becoming average at one of the only tasks at which I seem to excel at the moment. And sadly, that fear overwhelms me. Hence why I’ll probably be back playing the game for hours a day next week. But it’s so difficult for me not to feel like a complete loser playing video games living in my mom’s basement, especially when everyone tells me I am. I even sympathized with the antagonist and villain of the film “Ma” I watched today because I also felt like an outcast in both high school and college. And I remain alone and a “loser” to this day. Her life came to an end as she committed suicide, burning to death along with her house and all her possessions. I hope I don’t suffer the same fate, but I won’t say I’ve never considered suicide as an option. I even went as far to whimper in the shower. I wouldn’t use the word “cry,” because my life experiences have hardened my heart and turned me into such a stubborn person I can only recall a number of times (I can count the instances on one hand) in which I have truly shed tears due to emotional trauma. Anyway, as far as daily life goes, I still feel unmotivated, extremely lonely, and without purpose. I feel chubby, the gap between my two front teeth makes me feel insecure, and the acne on my face holds me back from wanting to go outside and see people, as does my fear of being judged, labeled, and ostracized by others for being a “failure”, “virgin,” and “loser.” All these years of trauma: the long list of rejections in middle school that affected my ability to form romantic relationships for the rest of my life, the constant bullying I endured in middle school for being “the new kid,” being underweight, and having braces, the inability to “fit in” with classmates in high school that ultimately led to a prolonged feeling of constant loneliness combined with the two break-ups I endured at the end of high school and beginning of college, which once again left me cast as an outsider at my university, but also resulted in a deep state of chronic depression and crippling anxiety that still lives with me to this day, accompanied by the occasional thought of self-harm (ignore the extreme run-on sentence). These traumatic events, whether I care to admit it or not, have shaped me. And I’m not quite sure if I’m proud of what I’ve become anymore. I quit soccer in high school. I quit running in college. And after that, I quit both bodybuilding and modeling/acting. And along with all these passions I have essentially abandoned, it feels as though my identity has gone with them. I feel like an almost soulless being, a mere shell of my former self. And along with my passions, I’ve also lost love. I had a severe breakup on bad terms with my girlfriend, with whom I had been with for a whole year at the time (my longest and only lasting relationship) several years ago and I have barely even talked to a girl since. I feel like a fool. And with that feeling, I also feel lost. But I don’t even know what it is I am looking for anymore. I’m beginning think there really just is no place for anyone like me in this world anymore, and that’s precisely the reason I feel so lost. Because I will never find a place, and a partner, to call home. At 22 I am still a virgin. The most sexual encounter I’ve ever had with a woman was going to second base on several occasions with my now ex-girlfriend. And I’m beginning to think I will die on this earth with that being my greatest (and essentially only) sexual achievement, as well as my closest opportunity of ever enjoying intimacy with a woman and finding true love. I fear I will die without ever being wholly loved by a woman, without ever having an orgasm that was not involuntarily produced alone in my sleep in the form of a wet dream, and without ever bearing children to raise and love as my own. I fear the day will come soon in which I decide I have nothing and no one to exercise for, to groom for, to learn for, to compete for, to smile for, to laugh for, to cry for, to mourn for, to live for, to love for . . . and I will, when that time comes, take my own life. Who knows what happens after death? I sure don’t. I know what I was taught to believe after being raised in a Catholic church and at a Catholic school. And while all those biblical stories might be true, all I really know for sure is that I won’t find out what comes after death until I die myself. Does eternal suffering await me? Will I finally enter into the light of everlasting peace and prosperity? Or will I be greeted by absolutely nothing because life after death does not exist at all. I have no idea. But could what’s on the other side really be any worse than my life on earth as it is now? I’m not sure, but I have contemplated this thought from time to time. Anyway, I’ve been writing for an hour now. That’s enough drowning in my own self-pity for one night. If you’re reading this, I hope your life is one of smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses, and a variety of pleasant thoughts.