Unaltered Letter from an Ex-Girlfriend (circa 2015)
To Stephen
My darling, you are quite hard to write about.
I've always had difficulty expressing myself when it comes to things I care strongly about and things I care little about; as you are someone I do care about, it is hard to express it. All of the things I love so much about you flee my mind and it's hard to find words to put down on paper, much less find words and create beautiful things out of them.
I feel like I still know so little about you. To use a cliché, you sometimes remind me of a still, deep, body of water, because there is so much beauty to the surface of your personality, but still entire worlds and ecosystems beneath you. The few times that you have opened up to me are precious in my memory, and I hope there will be more to come, although I sometimes worry that you were reluctant to confide in me because of your knowledge that I will soon be journeying hundreds of miles away.
What I do know about you is limited, but, to make this letter both easier to write and easier to read, I'll try to answer the question I posed to you a few nights ago, when I asked "what am I to you?" As usual, you turned the question on me and had me tell you what you are to me before you would answer what I am to you (which, by the way, you never got around to). But I ramble.
So, what are you to me, really? A difficult question. I'll start by telling you the things I love about you.
You are kind.
The first impression I got of you was that you were a shy person. Introverts have always been intriguing to me, and something about you drew me to you, so I tried to talk to you. We both know how awkward and uncomfortable those first encounters were, but no matter what you said to me, I couldn't shake the feeling that you were truly a kind person at heart. I was right (not to pat myself on the back or anything). The more I have known you, the more I realized that you exemplify the difference between being nice and being kind. Being kind runs deeper than "niceness," which can pass away as quickly as a mood. Kindness is a choice, and a state of being. In many ways, you live your life wishing to help others–—from the little things, such as taking up dishes or bringing people food, to the bigger things, such as calming people when they are distraught. You wish to please, but wish to please with integrity, never sacrificing principle to fit in or hurt others in any way. You refuse to speak badly of people or make fun of them, and you genuinely try to be understanding, honest, good, and forgiving to all around you. You have the quality of making people feel accepted for exactly who they are. That's a gift; don't ever let any person take it away from you. It is something that identifies you, and believe me, it is not a bad thing to be identified by.
You hate conflict. Yes, I know, I have been unkind to you about this, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is not a weakness, but a strength. I am in many ways incapable of walking away from conflict; I become invested in the most unimportant things; and as my mother puts it, I often would "rather be right than happy." I admire your calm. You are so different from me, so much more contained and composed—like a white dwarf instead of a supernova. You have the best self-control I've ever seen! At the same time, you refuse to be a pushover (when Aidan said that he didn't know what he was talking about). You understand the difference between selfishness and self-respect, and know that defending and taking care of yourself is important to feeling good about yourself and being kind to others.
You have a deep and meaningful faith.
The second major thing I've noticed about you is that you are someone who has been given appreciation of and faith in God and his creation. You have faith unlike anyone I have ever seen. You refuse to be shamed for it. I am envious of your faith, I must admit. I have struggled with doubt and reluctance to live righteously for years, and it seems so natural and so essential to your being...I wish I were like that. But at the same time, you have helped me grow (I think our church dates are the cutest thing ever), and I find that aspect of you to be extremely inspiring. It spills into your life not only through your worship of God, but also in the form of your appreciation for books and music and art, all of the finer things in life. You love nature and the idea of glorying in the natural world, and watching your appreciation of it never ceases to fascinate me. You are someone with whom I can share my wild, windy, spirit, my love of humanity and my love of nature, my dreams to travel and my love for beautiful things. We have like souls, and that is a gift we should cherish.
You have a complex and wonderful personality.
Your goofy and fun side is well hidden most of the time, but I know it's there. One of my favorite memories of you is you dancing unashamedly in the parking lot of Waffle House after that awful meal we "enjoyed." I'll never listen to Tove Lo's "Talking Body" without thinking of you. You're also hilarious, and can make me laugh so easily. You're willing to try anything once (or, when it comes to my family, again and again, even though we would have scared any other man off) and can be very adventurous and relaxed, like when we were hiking and you wanted to try EVERY trail. I love your silly side.
You are a deeply passionate and determined person. I suspect you are a lot deeper and think about things far more than you let on, because when you do share your thoughts and dreams with me, they simply blow me away. Some of the most precious memories I have of you occurred at times when you really opened up to me, because only when people really open up to each other can they have any sort of impact on each other. I really hope that you will writing, because I think you have beautiful thoughts that are waiting to be share. Know that I'm always willing to read and praise, or edit and critique, whatever is needed.
I've never seen anyone care so much about their goals and dreams as you do. Whether it's running or our relationship, you're not afraid to dream high and stick to that dream, even when most people would tell you it's impossible. Your determination will take you so far, and I can't wait to see what success lies for you around the corner.
And finally, the hardest part to write. I'm sure you were expecting it when I said you were a passionate and determined person, though. What speaks to inner passion more than love? I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that our feelings for each other this summer have been real and genuine. I've had a hard time getting close to people, and my anxiety and paranoia has been destructive to friendships and relationships alike. But not with you. It was your genuineness and earnestness that first drew me to you, and you have retained that through the whole time I've known you. You've made me feel confident and comfortable and respected and loved. Thank you for your passion and your honesty and realness, even though I know a thank you isn't enough. Can you ever really thank someone for loving you?
As I suspected, I couldn't properly explain the things I feel about you. This letter is a mess. But I can tell you honestly and truly, that this relationship was worth it.
You complement me and match me, infuriate me and overjoy me, and I have been so blessed to have you in my life. Even the things I hated about you ended up being things I loved eventually (ahem, reluctance to have conflict, although we resolved that eventually). You see, even with your humanity, you are truly a spectacular person, and I hope you know that. Still, there's so many things missing from this letter, because we've only just begun to scratch the surface. I wish we had more time. But still, I am grateful for the time we had and I look forward to learning more about you and making even more memories in the future. Thank you for being, and sharing, yourself.
One final note. I will always, always, want to talk to you, and I hope you will feel the same way about me. I promise that I won't lose contact with you unless you want to. Please write to me, and text and call me. We did, after all, decide that we wish to stay in touch, regardless of whether we ever get back together.
I can't wait to watch you grow and thrive at UGA. I hope that my gifts (while late), are things you enjoy, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers continuously at this important time of your life. Know that I pray for your peace and success and happiness, and hope you will do the same for me.
And with that, darling, I end this letter. But don't worry, I'm sure there will be more to come.
Until we meet again,
I've always had difficulty expressing myself when it comes to things I care strongly about and things I care little about; as you are someone I do care about, it is hard to express it. All of the things I love so much about you flee my mind and it's hard to find words to put down on paper, much less find words and create beautiful things out of them.
I feel like I still know so little about you. To use a cliché, you sometimes remind me of a still, deep, body of water, because there is so much beauty to the surface of your personality, but still entire worlds and ecosystems beneath you. The few times that you have opened up to me are precious in my memory, and I hope there will be more to come, although I sometimes worry that you were reluctant to confide in me because of your knowledge that I will soon be journeying hundreds of miles away.
What I do know about you is limited, but, to make this letter both easier to write and easier to read, I'll try to answer the question I posed to you a few nights ago, when I asked "what am I to you?" As usual, you turned the question on me and had me tell you what you are to me before you would answer what I am to you (which, by the way, you never got around to). But I ramble.
So, what are you to me, really? A difficult question. I'll start by telling you the things I love about you.
You are kind.
The first impression I got of you was that you were a shy person. Introverts have always been intriguing to me, and something about you drew me to you, so I tried to talk to you. We both know how awkward and uncomfortable those first encounters were, but no matter what you said to me, I couldn't shake the feeling that you were truly a kind person at heart. I was right (not to pat myself on the back or anything). The more I have known you, the more I realized that you exemplify the difference between being nice and being kind. Being kind runs deeper than "niceness," which can pass away as quickly as a mood. Kindness is a choice, and a state of being. In many ways, you live your life wishing to help others–—from the little things, such as taking up dishes or bringing people food, to the bigger things, such as calming people when they are distraught. You wish to please, but wish to please with integrity, never sacrificing principle to fit in or hurt others in any way. You refuse to speak badly of people or make fun of them, and you genuinely try to be understanding, honest, good, and forgiving to all around you. You have the quality of making people feel accepted for exactly who they are. That's a gift; don't ever let any person take it away from you. It is something that identifies you, and believe me, it is not a bad thing to be identified by.
You hate conflict. Yes, I know, I have been unkind to you about this, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is not a weakness, but a strength. I am in many ways incapable of walking away from conflict; I become invested in the most unimportant things; and as my mother puts it, I often would "rather be right than happy." I admire your calm. You are so different from me, so much more contained and composed—like a white dwarf instead of a supernova. You have the best self-control I've ever seen! At the same time, you refuse to be a pushover (when Aidan said that he didn't know what he was talking about). You understand the difference between selfishness and self-respect, and know that defending and taking care of yourself is important to feeling good about yourself and being kind to others.
You have a deep and meaningful faith.
The second major thing I've noticed about you is that you are someone who has been given appreciation of and faith in God and his creation. You have faith unlike anyone I have ever seen. You refuse to be shamed for it. I am envious of your faith, I must admit. I have struggled with doubt and reluctance to live righteously for years, and it seems so natural and so essential to your being...I wish I were like that. But at the same time, you have helped me grow (I think our church dates are the cutest thing ever), and I find that aspect of you to be extremely inspiring. It spills into your life not only through your worship of God, but also in the form of your appreciation for books and music and art, all of the finer things in life. You love nature and the idea of glorying in the natural world, and watching your appreciation of it never ceases to fascinate me. You are someone with whom I can share my wild, windy, spirit, my love of humanity and my love of nature, my dreams to travel and my love for beautiful things. We have like souls, and that is a gift we should cherish.
You have a complex and wonderful personality.
Your goofy and fun side is well hidden most of the time, but I know it's there. One of my favorite memories of you is you dancing unashamedly in the parking lot of Waffle House after that awful meal we "enjoyed." I'll never listen to Tove Lo's "Talking Body" without thinking of you. You're also hilarious, and can make me laugh so easily. You're willing to try anything once (or, when it comes to my family, again and again, even though we would have scared any other man off) and can be very adventurous and relaxed, like when we were hiking and you wanted to try EVERY trail. I love your silly side.
You are a deeply passionate and determined person. I suspect you are a lot deeper and think about things far more than you let on, because when you do share your thoughts and dreams with me, they simply blow me away. Some of the most precious memories I have of you occurred at times when you really opened up to me, because only when people really open up to each other can they have any sort of impact on each other. I really hope that you will writing, because I think you have beautiful thoughts that are waiting to be share. Know that I'm always willing to read and praise, or edit and critique, whatever is needed.
I've never seen anyone care so much about their goals and dreams as you do. Whether it's running or our relationship, you're not afraid to dream high and stick to that dream, even when most people would tell you it's impossible. Your determination will take you so far, and I can't wait to see what success lies for you around the corner.
And finally, the hardest part to write. I'm sure you were expecting it when I said you were a passionate and determined person, though. What speaks to inner passion more than love? I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that our feelings for each other this summer have been real and genuine. I've had a hard time getting close to people, and my anxiety and paranoia has been destructive to friendships and relationships alike. But not with you. It was your genuineness and earnestness that first drew me to you, and you have retained that through the whole time I've known you. You've made me feel confident and comfortable and respected and loved. Thank you for your passion and your honesty and realness, even though I know a thank you isn't enough. Can you ever really thank someone for loving you?
As I suspected, I couldn't properly explain the things I feel about you. This letter is a mess. But I can tell you honestly and truly, that this relationship was worth it.
You complement me and match me, infuriate me and overjoy me, and I have been so blessed to have you in my life. Even the things I hated about you ended up being things I loved eventually (ahem, reluctance to have conflict, although we resolved that eventually). You see, even with your humanity, you are truly a spectacular person, and I hope you know that. Still, there's so many things missing from this letter, because we've only just begun to scratch the surface. I wish we had more time. But still, I am grateful for the time we had and I look forward to learning more about you and making even more memories in the future. Thank you for being, and sharing, yourself.
One final note. I will always, always, want to talk to you, and I hope you will feel the same way about me. I promise that I won't lose contact with you unless you want to. Please write to me, and text and call me. We did, after all, decide that we wish to stay in touch, regardless of whether we ever get back together.
I can't wait to watch you grow and thrive at UGA. I hope that my gifts (while late), are things you enjoy, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers continuously at this important time of your life. Know that I pray for your peace and success and happiness, and hope you will do the same for me.
And with that, darling, I end this letter. But don't worry, I'm sure there will be more to come.
Until we meet again,
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